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How critical reviews of writings improve comprehension
Erika:
The revision is a pretty neat job.
Aafaque Ehsen:
Given below is another example of of the formula “Think, plan your piece, organize content in paragraphs, write, review, rethink, edit.” aids in enhancing comprehensin.
The example, as earlier, is an editorial from the Daily Dawn, taken from their web site, http://www.dawn.com/2012/02/13/the-real-pakistan.html accessed today, 13 February 2012 at 18:30 PST
--- Quote ---
The real Pakistan?
From the Newspaper | Editorial | Monday 13th February 2012
http://www.dawn.com/2012/02/13/the-real-pakistan.html
THE complexity that is Pakistan was on full display over the weekend in Karachi. Yesterday, the Difaa-i-Pakistan Council held another sizeable rally, this time at a stone’s throw from Jinnah’s mausoleum. Speaker after speaker called for the reinvention of Pakistan in line with a muscular, reactionary and religion-driven nationalism. The Pakistan envisioned by the DPC would be out of step with the modern world, harkening back to a mystical past whose recreation in present-day Pakistan would apparently be the solution to all that ails the country today. A narrative of hate, intolerance and xenophobia dressed up as ‘independent’ foreign and national-security policies is what was on offer at the DPC rally. There was some irony in the location chosen, for the backdrop of the Quaid’s mausoleum made for a jarring reminder of how far Pakistan has drifted from the vision of its founder. Indeed, if there was something Mr Jinnah would have been proud of this weekend in Karachi, it would be the Karachi Literature Festival. There, writers and intellectuals came together to promote values alien to the DPC supporters: pluralism, tolerance, diversity, a love for the arts and culture, and free thought and expression.
So which is the ‘real’ Pakistan, the one on display at the DPC rally or at the literature festival? Both are, but there is also a crucial difference: the mindset espoused by the DPC appears to be in the ascendant, while that on display at the literature festival is on the decline, or at the very least on the defensive. Perhaps that is the greatest dilemma facing Pakistan, that while there still exist many different versions of Pakistan, a more intolerant vision is being pumped more aggressively, and more successfully, into the body politic and society at large. If there is a silver lining, it is that most Pakistanis still appear to reject the more extreme and hateful ideologies. DPC, for all its success, still appears to be very much on the fringes of Pakistani politics. Still, a well-organised movement with formidable resources and a willingness to intimidate can distort the political field, making it more difficult for reasonable voices to promote reasonable policies and choices.
Could the more moderate mindset on display at the KLF be transmitted through wider swathes of Pakistan? The KLF itself is obviously first and foremost a literary event and not a political vehicle and because it caters mostly to an English-speaking audience, its outreach is limited. But the wider problem for moderate thoughts and ideas is that it has few champions in the public domain anymore. Those that do try to speak up — Salmaan Taseer comes instantly to mind — are brutally cut down and other politicians and state officials with similar thoughts have been successfully cowed into keeping their ideas private. Still, Pakistan remains a complex society and moderate forces on the defensive could bounce back. Perhaps nothing works like the marketplace of ideas and allowing the merits and demerits of competing idelogies to be established in the public domain. If the DPC is retrogressive and the KLF ‘too progressive’ for some circles, the very fact that the public has a choice is indicative of a society in danger, but not yet necessarily doomed.
--- End quote ---
The Bull Fighter scan for the editorial yielded these results:
Bull Composite index: 6.6
Average sentence length [words per sentence]: 24.4
Flesch reading score:: 39
Diagnosis: Teetering on the edge of unclear. The overall meaning remains discernible, but it becomes possible to lose oneself in corollary thoughts, which may be worth exploration, but which can also detract from the core point of the written article.
The same editorial after revision:
The real Pakistan?[Revised]
THE complexity that is Pakistan was on full display in Karachi over the past weekend. Yesterday, the Difaa-i-Pakistan Council (DPC) held another sizeable rally. The venue was a stone’s throw from Jinnah’s mausoleum. Speaker after speaker called for the reinvention of Pakistan in line with a muscular, reactionary and religion-driven nationalism. The DPC’s vision of Pakistan harkens back to a past whose resurrection in our time would apparently be the solution to all that ails Pakistan. On offer at the DPC rally was a narrative of hate, intolerance and xenophobia dressed up as ‘independent’ foreign and national-security policies. There is irony in the location chosen for the rally. The backdrop of the Quaid’s mausoleum made for a jarring reminder of how far Pakistan has drifted from the vision of its founder. Indeed, if there were something Mr. Jinnah would have been proud of this weekend in Karachi, it would be the Karachi Literature Festival (KLF). Writers and intellectuals came together at the KLF to promote pluralism, tolerance, diversity, a love for the arts and culture, free thought and expression – all values alien to the DPC.
So which is the ‘real’ Pakistan? Is it the one on display at the DPC rally or at the Karachi Literature Festival?
Both are real. The disturbing difference is that the mindset preached by the DPC appears to be in the ascendant. The one on display at the KLF is on the decline, or at the very least on the defensive. This, perhaps, is the greatest dilemma facing Pakistan - the aggressive and successful pumping of an intolerant vision into the body politic and society. If there is a positive aspect, it is that most Pakistanis still appear to reject ideologies that are extreme and flow from hate. DPC, for all its success, still appears to be on the fringes of Pakistani politics. The dark side is that, a well-organized movement with formidable resources and a willingness to intimidate can distort the political field, making it difficult for voices of reason to promote rational policies and choices.
Is it possible to transmit the moderate mindset on display at the KLF through wider swathes of Pakistan? The KLF itself is a literary event and not a political vehicle. It caters mostly to an English-speaking audience; therefore, its outreach is limited. The wider problem, though, for moderate thoughts and ideas is that these have few champions in the public domain anymore. Those that do try to speak up — Salmaan Taseer comes instantly to mind — are brutally cut down. Other politicians and state officials with similar thoughts are successfully cowed into keeping their ideas private.
Pakistan remains a complex society. Moderate forces on the defensive could bounce back. Perhaps nothing works like the marketplace of ideas - allowing the merits and demerits of different ideologies to compete in the public domain. If the DPC is retrogressive and the KLF ‘too progressive’ for some circles, the very fact that the public has a choice is indicative of a society in danger, but not necessarily doomed; yet.
The Bull Fighter scan results for the revision:
Bull Composite index: 7.6
Average sentence length [words per sentence]: 16.9
Flesch reading score:: 49
Diagnosis: Teetering on the edge of unclear. The overall meaning remains discernible, but it becomes possible to lose oneself in corollary thoughts, which may be worth exploration, but which can also detract from the core point of the written article.
What I did: I shortened the length of sentences, by breaking up some sentences. These were sentences unnecessarily joined with conjunctions. I also changed the construction of a few sentences.There are more words in the revision than in the original. This is because of the changes that were necessary.
What I did not do:I did not change the meaning of any sentence. In the context of the editorial, the meaning remains as it is.
Topics merged by Admin: This topic was started as a new one. Since the subject is the same as the earlier one, I have merged the two.
Imraana:
^
Very interesting and instructive topic. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and comparing the revisions.
Where can we get this Bull Fighter?
I googled for it and got a 403 error, which said access to the site was forbidden to me.
QurratulAin:
--- Quote from: Imraana on February 21, 2012, 03:07:20 AM ---^
Very interesting and instructive topic. I thoroughly enjoyed reading and comparing the revisions.
Where can we get this Bull Fighter?
I googled for it and got a 403 error, which said access to the site was forbidden to me.
--- End quote ---
I liked this topic very much and I also want this Bull Fighter.
Qatari:
Great, educative topic. The way the original and the revised versions illustrates how productive reviewing writing can be.
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